Wednesday, 23 July 2014

Tuesday, 15 July 2014

I just became depressed again

All morning I felt great

And all of a sudden, my mood just fell straight into the ground..
I have no idea why, I have truly been feeling great for the past 3 days

I have been typing a little bit this morning
It was nice for the first 2 hours
Then I went downstairs
Made myself a sandwich

And then I just started feeling shit again
I really feel no desire to even be typing this blog now.
I am doing it hoping that it would keep my mind busy and that it will pull me out of this shit feeling I have hanging over me now.

How does depression just come and go
How does it just decide:
"Hey! You there!"
"Come Here!"

Bleh... honestly...
While I was making the sandwich
I was thinking of how I could actually better spend my day
How I could do something
Besides sit here infront of the computer
Typing lil bits of shit out to pass the time

I was thinking of getting a job
Which would fix most of my problems to an extent.
I was thinking how I actually am so alone..

Although I have some friends..
They all have lives
They all are busy with something
They all have something to do
Somewhere to be...

And then, there is me..

I do not have anything to do
I do not need to be anywhere
I am like a bird
Yet, I cannot just fly away...

Nothing really interests me
Nothing makes me happy
I am happy sometimes
But I don't know..
It feels like happiness..

Is so far away..

I had my girlfriend
Who was my entire life
She was my closest friend
And really the only person I needed in my life

Without her..
I really just feel so alone.

I was always hoping to have an accidental death
Before I lose her one day
But that day came
And went..

And here still I am.

There is so many things
So many problems
The problems are just as big as I make them

But I have dug myself a hole over the last few years
And now I really want to get out of this hole
But this hole...
It is just so fucking deep.

I live in a small town
I live outside a small town to be truthfull
I live 25km outside of the small town

And even if I were to go to the small town
There will be nothing to do
No one to see

There's two friends there which I could go see
But that would just be a waste of time
As both of them
Are actually fairly boring

When I am in this depressed mood I am in now
I don't think I am nice to be around anyway

I use to always feel better
When I had my optimism for the girlfriend
When I would have a nice chat with her over the phone
But now..

Not even that is waiting for me at the end of the day..

I smoked a little weed on Saterday
I felt so good
I felt great

I was very curious to see how long the THC/CBD would stick in my system

Turns out the answer is 2/3days
Now I am feeling like I have felt for the past 6 weeks
How I have been feeling for the past month

But not fine at all

I really have no desire for anything
I have no desire to watch tv
I have no desire to get up
I have no desire to be awake..

It truely is a horrible feeling
Something I never knew
Until I knew it for weeks at a time.

I honestly do not know what to do
I would like a job
I would like a job for the routine that it would give

But I do not want a shit job
As a shit job would just make me feel the way I am feeling now
I was working on the last 2 weekends

They were horrible
I was back at the restaurant
I was doing my waiter thing

But it was truly the worst time
In the last month
So any memories
Over the past 5 years were made in that place

That place made me feel like I wanted to die
Really it did
I took extra meds even
But it did not help
It could not stop me from feeling what I felt
It could not make me stop
Like this...

I do not want to return again..
I probably will..
Hoping that this feeling would stop coming back

I dono..

It really..
Is fucked up

I miss the feeling of being happy
I miss happiness
What I will do
I do not know
I just don't want to feel like this anymore

This fucking depression
Many people live like this
Every day..

I need to move out of my parents house
I need to move out of this tiny little town
I just need to get out of the house...

But it is not that simple
For some reason
I am scared
I have this unexplained fear inside me

A fear of moving out
A fear of growing up
A fear.. Of the unknown...

I do not know why I feel like this
I do not know how my life got to this point that it has
I do not know...
I just... do not know..

I miss being a child
Going to school
Having a place I need to be
Having so much shit to put up with..

Life was easier back then
Atleast I think it was
It was not really
But it was better than it is now..

I really do not know...


Monday, 14 July 2014

My Bad Short Term Memory

Short Term Memory..
Memory Recall.

These three things...
Are very funny things indeed.

I never knew how bad my short term memory was
Until I actually started to focus on it
Started trying to remember all the little things
Parts of my day, the day before, something I read
Even something I typed very recently.

After I finish this blog
I probably would forget what it says within a few minutes
If I were to come back later today
Or even tomorrow
I would have to read all of the blog again just to know what I said.

After realising this, it is actually fucking ridiculous.

I know when I speak to people
Quite often I will start repeating things that I said within 10 minutes or so.
I would have forgotten what I had said
Or what I wanted to say
I would just be caught up in the talking part of the conversation.
Much like what I am doing now.

My long term memory is much better than the short term
I can remember things from a long time ago
I can remember little things and stupid details
But the problem comes in
When I actually try to think of all these Memories

I can easily remember most things when someone asks me a question
Yet for me to think back to any specific point
I draw a blank

It is as if I have no control over my own thought process
My mind is just one giant blur
And the mist clears as soon as someone else flips a switch.

Let me use a nice example
To demonstrate how bad my short term memory is:

A few weeks ago, the girlfriend and I had a breakup
The breakup did not come from my side
It was very unexpected as we had been together for a very long time
Almost 7 years to be exact.

So my long term memory is full of happy and good memories
Of me and her being together, and ideas of us being together forever.
Although we had three minor breakups
We always got back together and the breakup would be erased from my mind
Because of there always being the connection between us
It is easier to think of the 7 year period as one giant whole
Instead of a whole separated with 3 few month holes in-between.

So now the breakup has happened 6 weeks ago
We have been over the breakup atleast 5 - 10 times
Going over causes and reasons
Discussing where things went wrong and identifying problems.

The final conversation was not even a week ago and we spent 9 hours discussing the breakup in order for me to try and understand and grasp the whole thing...

Four Days later...
I had forgotten almost all of the reasons.
I can remember some reasons here and there
But the whole conversation is just one giant blur.

It got very emotional towards the end of the conversation
I did end up crying a lot at the end..
I have read that stress can make it hard to remember clearly.
Anyway.. the thing is.
It is as if the conversation never really happened

Which is really fucked up
As I said that would be the last time we speak about the breakup
And I would like to keep to that agreement
But as you can imagine

There is nothing I want more than to have the conversation over again
Not for a different result
But just to be able to remember what was said!

It really is super annoying
Also I have been in the same situation for the last month
There is no way for me to progress from the state I am in

I am still in the point that we were during the relationship
I have not been able to form the new memories
Which tells me that we are now separated.

Saying it
Thinking it
Discussing it
Accepting it..
Nothing helps.

So that is a Scenario of a giant life event I cannot build into my short term memory..
I have even tried sleeping more
In order to try and get my memory to get better
But sadly...
Sleep has not helped much
Or maybe it has.. I cannot really remember :/

Lately I have been reading a lot
Reading has been the only thing I have wanted to do since the breakup
I have never enjoyed reading before and hardly ever read anything
But since I have started, I have enjoyed it much, much more.

After the breakup I fell deep into depression and quit smoking Cannabis.
I have been smoking cannabis for also about 7 years
And after starting to smoke
Life really just got so much better
I started enjoying things and people and stuff.

When I was smoking
I do remember my memory also being bad
But the only thing was
I did not really care about the memory being bad
I just figured that it was part of being stoned
But, once I sobered up
I realised that it was not actually the being stoned part
Which was the cause of the bad short term memory

But that the weed just made me not care about my memory being bad
That was the nice thing about being on the weed
I just did not care about all the problems that I had.

Cannabis had been my treatment for a very long time
I was self medicating unknowingly
And as soon as I quit
My body started acting very weird after about 2 weeks

I went to see a psychologist and he put me on some anti-psychotics (SeroQuel)
This made me able to focus
This made me able to read.
This made me focused on reading.

Reading became the only thing I could do to keep my mind occupied

As my dosage increased, so did I become more focused.
The harder I focused, the more obsessive I became
Next thing I know
I have full blown Obsessive Compulsive Disorder as well.
It is something that I had as a child
But it went away over time
It almost stopped when I use to smoke weed.
It never really stopped, I just did not notice it
Looking back, I can see it was there all along.

Now having ADHD does affect short term memory
As at all times you are absorbing information from all around you
Or you are distracted by what you are thinking about
And cannot pay attention to what it being said

You just have to many trains of thought to be able to converge them all into one place.

This is a very important thing to realise
That your short term memory is bad.

I think that is part of why I do not really change my routine that much
I basically just forget to do new things
I do not really remember what I was planning to do
And then get distracted by what I am busy with
Or what I plan to do next.

I suppose memory and attention have a lot in common
You have to pay attention to remember

How do you pay attention?
Well I guess it has to be something that interests you
And it is not always possible to do something interesting
We try to do what interests us
Some of us try to hard
And some of us just do whatever
Although it is not very interesting

I think that my be part of the problem
We can only remember
What we want to remember

And being self absorbed
Living internally
Being one with our mind

Makes us the centre of it all
Makes that the most interesting thing on the planet
Even though we may feel we are super boring
And completely uninteresting

To ourselves, we are the centre of the universe
Our little universe at least.

I just remembered I wanted to make a video today
I was already starting to set up my things for the video
But then I got distracted
And ended up here

I have been thinking of keeping a little notepad
A little book to remind me of what I need to do
Because really
I need to start writing things down in order to remember them
As I honestly cannot remind myself.

I have been thinking of the notebook for over a week
But I have not remembered to start doing so

I hope someone finds this interesting and even perhaps learns something..

I have always believed that all knowledge
Is worth something to someone
Even if it is just a new idea
A little something to think about
Before you forget about it.

And sometimes..
Ideas can stick with you much longer than you thought they would.

Saturday, 12 July 2014

"You Cannot Know Of Knowledge, You don't know Exists"

You Cannot Know Of Knowledge..
That you do not know Exists?

A few weeks ago I thought of this
Call it a qoute if you wish
I do not know what you call it
But it is a statement
And a very true one at that.

With Asperger's, I think this is one of the most important things to remember for the rest of your life.

How could you know of something
Unless you know about it
How could you imagine
The unimaginable.

Growing up
I always knew I was different
That there was something

I could not put my finger on it
But I was not like most of the people around me
I was different, yet..
Exactly the same.

I could not understand the other kids
And for some reason
They could not understand me?

Why was this?

The problem was my perception
Perception can be a very big problem
As it is the way that you interpret everything

How you interpret the world around you
How you interpret what is asked of you
And how you interpret what is said to you.

The thing is..
Compared to everyone around you
You misinterpret everything.

That leaves you in a world of confusion
That leaves you on the outskirts of society
It makes you an observer

Observing the world is interesting
It leads you to understanding
Yet, you understand only what you perceive understanding to be.

Something which I realised only very recently
I am now of age 23
Is that you need to ask questions.
And you need to say what you are thinking.

Only then can you be corrected
Or be confirmed correct.

This is a very funny concept
One not many people could actually grasp
Or begin to understand.

This is common sense is it not?
Of course you need to speak your mind
How else can you get your ideas across?
How could people know what you are thinking
They cannot read your mind?

That is exactly that.
I forgot to take into account
The fact that no one can actually know what I am thinking
Unless I verbalise it.

This probably sounds fucking ridiculous
But I have been under the impression
That people just know what I know
Know what I think.
They know my problems
And what I am dealing with.
At least most of the time..

For a very long time
I did not focus on this
I did not bother to mention anything
I just kept living day after day

Only after I started questioning myself
Trying to find out what is wrong with me
I actually started seeing all the flaws within myself.

So that brings me to the point of how can you know of something
When you do not know it exists?
How do you know what is normal
And what is just normal, to you?

Growing up as a child
I use to feel that my brain is to fast
What does that mean?
Well it is a very vague statement to make..
And it does not really mean much.

I mentioned it to the parents
But it was not taken up seriously
So I did not mention it again

I was under the impression that they now knew
And just knew what was going on within my head
And left it at that.

Turns out that now once I started doing research on it
That I have some form ADHD
That is what I meant by my brain being to fast.
A nice way of describing it
But one which does not mean that much.

I had no idea what ADD was before
I knew it was what hyperactive kids had?
I was not hyperactive
So how does that apply to me?

Well my brain was hyperactive.

Growing up with tics
Little compulsions
Odd behaviours
And very much cleanliness orientated
Cannot use cream on my skin
Cannot stand oils
Showered 3 times a day
Scratching scabs
And biting nails..

After doing some research now, years later.
I also have OCD.

These are labels
These are names for certain things.
Names are part of knowledge
And you cannot know, unless you know.

Not knowing that there is oxygen around you..
You still breath it all the same
And it is still all around you.

Back to the point of speaking your mind
People not being able to share your brain with you
Not having the same interests as you
It is something which can so easily be overlooked.
So easily forgotten.

If you do not actively think about it.
You are not necessarily actively aware of it.

Learning more about Asperger's
Learning about most of the symptoms of it
Reading up about certain habits
Makes you realise in how many ways
You are actually different,
But how you are actually the same.

How you do things differently to most other people.
Things you already maybe knew about yourself
But did not know how to put words to those things.

Learning more about things
Gives you deeper understanding about things
It gives you ways to better yourself
It gives you perspective.

I was mentioning perception earlier.
Serotonin is in charge of perception
It is has to do with OCD
It has to do with mood
And if your Serotonin levels are higher
Or lower
Than everyone around you's Serotonin
You will find things much different to them.
All of the time.

As you learn, you grow
As you grow, you learn.

Never stop learning.
Understanding yourself is very important
Understanding others is also very important

The world is a quest for understanding and learning
The world is filled with knowledge
Things you need to know
To know the things you need.

Never stop learning
Never stop growing
Never stop trying to understand

As knowing of knowledge
Is knowing that it exists.

And knowing
Is great!

Friday, 11 July 2014

My Perception of Life - Time & Space

Everyone has a view of what life is
Of what life is about
What is important and basically
How life works..

I have been told many times:
"Stop thinking of the big picture, and start focusing on the small things in front of you"

That is easier said than done, how do you stop thinking of everything?
How do you stop thinking of the universe, Time and Space.

I suppose if you believe in "God"
You would spend your time thinking of him
Thinking of what you need to do to in his eyes to please him?
Thinking of living the best life possible
To one day get into Heaven.

So you need to ask yourself:
"Why am I alive?"
"What is my purpose?"

Well.. no one really knows, so it is best just not to think about it.
But it is easier to just not need to think about it,
If you can just accept "God" and "Heaven"
Then you are alive to serve Him and to get into Heaven.

Easy, live your life, continue and prosper.
Die, enter Heaven or Hell based on your life choices and it is over and done with.
But... why?
Why is it so easy to just accept these things, with unconditional belief?
Why is it easier to just not think about these things.
Why is it so easy to be a Sheep?

The problem is.. no one knows, no one has any idea.
Not even me.
To think about the answer, would take more time than anyone has.
It would therefore be waste of time thinking about this.

It would be a thing which makes you sad
Make you realise how pointless life is
Make you realise that there is actually no point in living.
There is no point in being alive
There is no point in doing anything.

Doing anything is just a way to pass the time
It is a way of making you think you did something good
..Or bad?
Either way, in all of Time, nothing matters.

You will be forgotten one day
You will be forgotten some day soon
In the billions of years past
And the billions of years to come
Right now, is less than the blink of an eye.

Thinking of how great time really is..
Makes you think of how insignificant you really are.
Makes you see that you really are just a grain of sand nexto the ocean.

Take a second and imagine one grain of sand
Which one are you imagining?
Where is it?
Where do you begin and how do you choose?

Thinking of these things...
It is better to just not
To just not think about any of this
Because it makes you very very depressed.
It makes you feel like there is no point in life.

It makes you want to die
As soon as possible.
But to kill yourself does not get you into Heavan.
It does not make those around you that you care for, happy.
Killing yourself is the easy way out.

Life is a difficult thing
And you only have one life
One time, one Time Period.

You will be alive most probably not later than 2120
In a thousand years who knows what will be
Will earth even still be
Will people still be alive?

No one knows these things and it is much better to not think of any of these things.
It is better to just live in the moment
Care for yourself and enjoy the time you have
To the best extent that you can.

Selling your Time for Money..
That is a sad, sad, sad thing to do.
Especially if you hate what you are doing for that money.
Especially if that money is not enough.

If you spend your life hating what you do
Hating every second of your existence?
Why are you alive
Why are you here?

Thinking of these things do not help
Thinking of life... does not help
It is better not to cause ripples in the pond.
I suppose I am throwing a pebble into your pond of life right now.

It is easier to believe in a God than to not believe
It is easier to just accept
Than to think of what life really is.

I mentioned Time & Space earlier
But I have only mentioned Time?
What about Space?
What about it?

In all of space, all of time, anything can, and will happen.
Even you, even me.
You reading this post is happening at some point
Somewhere, in the world.

Right now, it is 9:45 AM on the 11 July 2014
I am in South Africa

What is the time by you?
Where are you?
How long into the future, are you reading this?
Where on Earth are you?

Earth is HUGE..
Earth is tiny.

When you think of how big the universe is
When you think of how large the Galaxy is.
When you think of all of Time and Space
How insignificant are you really?

You are lucky to be alive right now, in this point where you are now.
But this point is gone forever
That point is now only a memory
And that memory only belongs to you.
Every other person has their own memory.
Every other person has their own, entire life.
Completely different to yours.
Completely different to mine.

But at some point, someone will have basically exactly the same life as you.
That, is inevitable.
Due to random chance, series of events and just dumb luck.
Your life is the way that it is, where it is and when it is.

Thinking of these things.. It is horrible
Thinking of the meaning of life, instead of living life
It is depressing.
Just believing that you live now, for the afterlife, for God.
That really sounds like a much better alternative than thinking about this.

God gives you direction, hope, guidance.
It gives you some form of meaning to life.
What is the meaning to life?
To please God and get into Heaven.
That seems so simple.
It is a way to live life
A basic blueprint

Some people look forward to death
Because then life will just be over
The struggle, will be no more.

Some people look forward to life, after death.
Because then they will be eternally happy.
They will no longer struggle here on earth.

Death is Heaven
Is that not logical?
Why we are alive..
No one really knows
No one has a answer for that

How did life begin?
God made us, did he not?
I believe we are a product of random chance
Time and Space
We are in the perfect spot
In the perfect time

You cannot be before
Or be after your time

Your time is now
And what you make of it
That, is up to you.

But all in all, we are just living to die.
Having things that are important to you
Gives you reasons to be, to be alive.

Having a loved one
Having loved ones, multiple people.
Having dependants, children.
Having obligations, work
Having connections, a life

Those are things that make life worth living.
But all of those things will also come to an end.
One after the other
Until you to, come to an end..

That is the sadness of living life thinking of the big picture
That is the futility of what life is.
That is why it is easier to just accept God.
That is why it is better to believe in heaven.

As illogical as it is
Faith gives you reason to live.
It gives you reason to have Hope.

Love.. it is the only thing that makes life worth living.
What you love is up to you
Why you love is not something to be questioned.

Typing this out, has made me feel very depressed
This is not something to think of
This is not what is important.
All that is important is living your life
Making the most of it
And enjoying the life that you have
As it will be all that there is.

I fucking hate Money.

If I could have a choice
I would be a animal.
But having a choice is a luxury.

You are what you are
You are when you are
You are you
And you can do what you want.

Set yourself free and do what makes you happy
Or else you are living, just to be alive.
Happiness comes by living for yourself
Doing what you want to do.
Being who you want to be.

Limitations are just that.

The only true limits that you have
Are Time
And Space

The only limit you have
Is Yourself.

Have a good day