Wednesday, 23 July 2014

Tuesday, 15 July 2014

I just became depressed again

All morning I felt great

And all of a sudden, my mood just fell straight into the ground..
I have no idea why, I have truly been feeling great for the past 3 days

I have been typing a little bit this morning
It was nice for the first 2 hours
Then I went downstairs
Made myself a sandwich

And then I just started feeling shit again
I really feel no desire to even be typing this blog now.
I am doing it hoping that it would keep my mind busy and that it will pull me out of this shit feeling I have hanging over me now.

How does depression just come and go
How does it just decide:
"Hey! You there!"
"Come Here!"

Bleh... honestly...
While I was making the sandwich
I was thinking of how I could actually better spend my day
How I could do something
Besides sit here infront of the computer
Typing lil bits of shit out to pass the time

I was thinking of getting a job
Which would fix most of my problems to an extent.
I was thinking how I actually am so alone..

Although I have some friends..
They all have lives
They all are busy with something
They all have something to do
Somewhere to be...

And then, there is me..

I do not have anything to do
I do not need to be anywhere
I am like a bird
Yet, I cannot just fly away...

Nothing really interests me
Nothing makes me happy
I am happy sometimes
But I don't know..
It feels like happiness..

Is so far away..

I had my girlfriend
Who was my entire life
She was my closest friend
And really the only person I needed in my life

Without her..
I really just feel so alone.

I was always hoping to have an accidental death
Before I lose her one day
But that day came
And went..

And here still I am.

There is so many things
So many problems
The problems are just as big as I make them

But I have dug myself a hole over the last few years
And now I really want to get out of this hole
But this hole...
It is just so fucking deep.

I live in a small town
I live outside a small town to be truthfull
I live 25km outside of the small town

And even if I were to go to the small town
There will be nothing to do
No one to see

There's two friends there which I could go see
But that would just be a waste of time
As both of them
Are actually fairly boring

When I am in this depressed mood I am in now
I don't think I am nice to be around anyway

I use to always feel better
When I had my optimism for the girlfriend
When I would have a nice chat with her over the phone
But now..

Not even that is waiting for me at the end of the day..

I smoked a little weed on Saterday
I felt so good
I felt great

I was very curious to see how long the THC/CBD would stick in my system

Turns out the answer is 2/3days
Now I am feeling like I have felt for the past 6 weeks
How I have been feeling for the past month

But not fine at all

I really have no desire for anything
I have no desire to watch tv
I have no desire to get up
I have no desire to be awake..

It truely is a horrible feeling
Something I never knew
Until I knew it for weeks at a time.

I honestly do not know what to do
I would like a job
I would like a job for the routine that it would give

But I do not want a shit job
As a shit job would just make me feel the way I am feeling now
I was working on the last 2 weekends

They were horrible
I was back at the restaurant
I was doing my waiter thing

But it was truly the worst time
In the last month
So any memories
Over the past 5 years were made in that place

That place made me feel like I wanted to die
Really it did
I took extra meds even
But it did not help
It could not stop me from feeling what I felt
It could not make me stop
Like this...

I do not want to return again..
I probably will..
Hoping that this feeling would stop coming back

I dono..

It really..
Is fucked up

I miss the feeling of being happy
I miss happiness
What I will do
I do not know
I just don't want to feel like this anymore

This fucking depression
Many people live like this
Every day..

I need to move out of my parents house
I need to move out of this tiny little town
I just need to get out of the house...

But it is not that simple
For some reason
I am scared
I have this unexplained fear inside me

A fear of moving out
A fear of growing up
A fear.. Of the unknown...

I do not know why I feel like this
I do not know how my life got to this point that it has
I do not know...
I just... do not know..

I miss being a child
Going to school
Having a place I need to be
Having so much shit to put up with..

Life was easier back then
Atleast I think it was
It was not really
But it was better than it is now..

I really do not know...


Monday, 14 July 2014

My Bad Short Term Memory

Short Term Memory..
Memory Recall.

These three things...
Are very funny things indeed.

I never knew how bad my short term memory was
Until I actually started to focus on it
Started trying to remember all the little things
Parts of my day, the day before, something I read
Even something I typed very recently.

After I finish this blog
I probably would forget what it says within a few minutes
If I were to come back later today
Or even tomorrow
I would have to read all of the blog again just to know what I said.

After realising this, it is actually fucking ridiculous.

I know when I speak to people
Quite often I will start repeating things that I said within 10 minutes or so.
I would have forgotten what I had said
Or what I wanted to say
I would just be caught up in the talking part of the conversation.
Much like what I am doing now.

My long term memory is much better than the short term
I can remember things from a long time ago
I can remember little things and stupid details
But the problem comes in
When I actually try to think of all these Memories

I can easily remember most things when someone asks me a question
Yet for me to think back to any specific point
I draw a blank

It is as if I have no control over my own thought process
My mind is just one giant blur
And the mist clears as soon as someone else flips a switch.

Let me use a nice example
To demonstrate how bad my short term memory is:

A few weeks ago, the girlfriend and I had a breakup
The breakup did not come from my side
It was very unexpected as we had been together for a very long time
Almost 7 years to be exact.

So my long term memory is full of happy and good memories
Of me and her being together, and ideas of us being together forever.
Although we had three minor breakups
We always got back together and the breakup would be erased from my mind
Because of there always being the connection between us
It is easier to think of the 7 year period as one giant whole
Instead of a whole separated with 3 few month holes in-between.

So now the breakup has happened 6 weeks ago
We have been over the breakup atleast 5 - 10 times
Going over causes and reasons
Discussing where things went wrong and identifying problems.

The final conversation was not even a week ago and we spent 9 hours discussing the breakup in order for me to try and understand and grasp the whole thing...

Four Days later...
I had forgotten almost all of the reasons.
I can remember some reasons here and there
But the whole conversation is just one giant blur.

It got very emotional towards the end of the conversation
I did end up crying a lot at the end..
I have read that stress can make it hard to remember clearly.
Anyway.. the thing is.
It is as if the conversation never really happened

Which is really fucked up
As I said that would be the last time we speak about the breakup
And I would like to keep to that agreement
But as you can imagine

There is nothing I want more than to have the conversation over again
Not for a different result
But just to be able to remember what was said!

It really is super annoying
Also I have been in the same situation for the last month
There is no way for me to progress from the state I am in

I am still in the point that we were during the relationship
I have not been able to form the new memories
Which tells me that we are now separated.

Saying it
Thinking it
Discussing it
Accepting it..
Nothing helps.

So that is a Scenario of a giant life event I cannot build into my short term memory..
I have even tried sleeping more
In order to try and get my memory to get better
But sadly...
Sleep has not helped much
Or maybe it has.. I cannot really remember :/

Lately I have been reading a lot
Reading has been the only thing I have wanted to do since the breakup
I have never enjoyed reading before and hardly ever read anything
But since I have started, I have enjoyed it much, much more.

After the breakup I fell deep into depression and quit smoking Cannabis.
I have been smoking cannabis for also about 7 years
And after starting to smoke
Life really just got so much better
I started enjoying things and people and stuff.

When I was smoking
I do remember my memory also being bad
But the only thing was
I did not really care about the memory being bad
I just figured that it was part of being stoned
But, once I sobered up
I realised that it was not actually the being stoned part
Which was the cause of the bad short term memory

But that the weed just made me not care about my memory being bad
That was the nice thing about being on the weed
I just did not care about all the problems that I had.

Cannabis had been my treatment for a very long time
I was self medicating unknowingly
And as soon as I quit
My body started acting very weird after about 2 weeks

I went to see a psychologist and he put me on some anti-psychotics (SeroQuel)
This made me able to focus
This made me able to read.
This made me focused on reading.

Reading became the only thing I could do to keep my mind occupied

As my dosage increased, so did I become more focused.
The harder I focused, the more obsessive I became
Next thing I know
I have full blown Obsessive Compulsive Disorder as well.
It is something that I had as a child
But it went away over time
It almost stopped when I use to smoke weed.
It never really stopped, I just did not notice it
Looking back, I can see it was there all along.

Now having ADHD does affect short term memory
As at all times you are absorbing information from all around you
Or you are distracted by what you are thinking about
And cannot pay attention to what it being said

You just have to many trains of thought to be able to converge them all into one place.

This is a very important thing to realise
That your short term memory is bad.

I think that is part of why I do not really change my routine that much
I basically just forget to do new things
I do not really remember what I was planning to do
And then get distracted by what I am busy with
Or what I plan to do next.

I suppose memory and attention have a lot in common
You have to pay attention to remember

How do you pay attention?
Well I guess it has to be something that interests you
And it is not always possible to do something interesting
We try to do what interests us
Some of us try to hard
And some of us just do whatever
Although it is not very interesting

I think that my be part of the problem
We can only remember
What we want to remember

And being self absorbed
Living internally
Being one with our mind

Makes us the centre of it all
Makes that the most interesting thing on the planet
Even though we may feel we are super boring
And completely uninteresting

To ourselves, we are the centre of the universe
Our little universe at least.

I just remembered I wanted to make a video today
I was already starting to set up my things for the video
But then I got distracted
And ended up here

I have been thinking of keeping a little notepad
A little book to remind me of what I need to do
Because really
I need to start writing things down in order to remember them
As I honestly cannot remind myself.

I have been thinking of the notebook for over a week
But I have not remembered to start doing so

I hope someone finds this interesting and even perhaps learns something..

I have always believed that all knowledge
Is worth something to someone
Even if it is just a new idea
A little something to think about
Before you forget about it.

And sometimes..
Ideas can stick with you much longer than you thought they would.

Saturday, 12 July 2014

"You Cannot Know Of Knowledge, You don't know Exists"

You Cannot Know Of Knowledge..
That you do not know Exists?

A few weeks ago I thought of this
Call it a qoute if you wish
I do not know what you call it
But it is a statement
And a very true one at that.

With Asperger's, I think this is one of the most important things to remember for the rest of your life.

How could you know of something
Unless you know about it
How could you imagine
The unimaginable.

Growing up
I always knew I was different
That there was something

I could not put my finger on it
But I was not like most of the people around me
I was different, yet..
Exactly the same.

I could not understand the other kids
And for some reason
They could not understand me?

Why was this?

The problem was my perception
Perception can be a very big problem
As it is the way that you interpret everything

How you interpret the world around you
How you interpret what is asked of you
And how you interpret what is said to you.

The thing is..
Compared to everyone around you
You misinterpret everything.

That leaves you in a world of confusion
That leaves you on the outskirts of society
It makes you an observer

Observing the world is interesting
It leads you to understanding
Yet, you understand only what you perceive understanding to be.

Something which I realised only very recently
I am now of age 23
Is that you need to ask questions.
And you need to say what you are thinking.

Only then can you be corrected
Or be confirmed correct.

This is a very funny concept
One not many people could actually grasp
Or begin to understand.

This is common sense is it not?
Of course you need to speak your mind
How else can you get your ideas across?
How could people know what you are thinking
They cannot read your mind?

That is exactly that.
I forgot to take into account
The fact that no one can actually know what I am thinking
Unless I verbalise it.

This probably sounds fucking ridiculous
But I have been under the impression
That people just know what I know
Know what I think.
They know my problems
And what I am dealing with.
At least most of the time..

For a very long time
I did not focus on this
I did not bother to mention anything
I just kept living day after day

Only after I started questioning myself
Trying to find out what is wrong with me
I actually started seeing all the flaws within myself.

So that brings me to the point of how can you know of something
When you do not know it exists?
How do you know what is normal
And what is just normal, to you?

Growing up as a child
I use to feel that my brain is to fast
What does that mean?
Well it is a very vague statement to make..
And it does not really mean much.

I mentioned it to the parents
But it was not taken up seriously
So I did not mention it again

I was under the impression that they now knew
And just knew what was going on within my head
And left it at that.

Turns out that now once I started doing research on it
That I have some form ADHD
That is what I meant by my brain being to fast.
A nice way of describing it
But one which does not mean that much.

I had no idea what ADD was before
I knew it was what hyperactive kids had?
I was not hyperactive
So how does that apply to me?

Well my brain was hyperactive.

Growing up with tics
Little compulsions
Odd behaviours
And very much cleanliness orientated
Cannot use cream on my skin
Cannot stand oils
Showered 3 times a day
Scratching scabs
And biting nails..

After doing some research now, years later.
I also have OCD.

These are labels
These are names for certain things.
Names are part of knowledge
And you cannot know, unless you know.

Not knowing that there is oxygen around you..
You still breath it all the same
And it is still all around you.

Back to the point of speaking your mind
People not being able to share your brain with you
Not having the same interests as you
It is something which can so easily be overlooked.
So easily forgotten.

If you do not actively think about it.
You are not necessarily actively aware of it.

Learning more about Asperger's
Learning about most of the symptoms of it
Reading up about certain habits
Makes you realise in how many ways
You are actually different,
But how you are actually the same.

How you do things differently to most other people.
Things you already maybe knew about yourself
But did not know how to put words to those things.

Learning more about things
Gives you deeper understanding about things
It gives you ways to better yourself
It gives you perspective.

I was mentioning perception earlier.
Serotonin is in charge of perception
It is has to do with OCD
It has to do with mood
And if your Serotonin levels are higher
Or lower
Than everyone around you's Serotonin
You will find things much different to them.
All of the time.

As you learn, you grow
As you grow, you learn.

Never stop learning.
Understanding yourself is very important
Understanding others is also very important

The world is a quest for understanding and learning
The world is filled with knowledge
Things you need to know
To know the things you need.

Never stop learning
Never stop growing
Never stop trying to understand

As knowing of knowledge
Is knowing that it exists.

And knowing
Is great!

Friday, 11 July 2014

My Perception of Life - Time & Space

Everyone has a view of what life is
Of what life is about
What is important and basically
How life works..

I have been told many times:
"Stop thinking of the big picture, and start focusing on the small things in front of you"

That is easier said than done, how do you stop thinking of everything?
How do you stop thinking of the universe, Time and Space.

I suppose if you believe in "God"
You would spend your time thinking of him
Thinking of what you need to do to in his eyes to please him?
Thinking of living the best life possible
To one day get into Heaven.

So you need to ask yourself:
"Why am I alive?"
"What is my purpose?"

Well.. no one really knows, so it is best just not to think about it.
But it is easier to just not need to think about it,
If you can just accept "God" and "Heaven"
Then you are alive to serve Him and to get into Heaven.

Easy, live your life, continue and prosper.
Die, enter Heaven or Hell based on your life choices and it is over and done with.
But... why?
Why is it so easy to just accept these things, with unconditional belief?
Why is it easier to just not think about these things.
Why is it so easy to be a Sheep?

The problem is.. no one knows, no one has any idea.
Not even me.
To think about the answer, would take more time than anyone has.
It would therefore be waste of time thinking about this.

It would be a thing which makes you sad
Make you realise how pointless life is
Make you realise that there is actually no point in living.
There is no point in being alive
There is no point in doing anything.

Doing anything is just a way to pass the time
It is a way of making you think you did something good
..Or bad?
Either way, in all of Time, nothing matters.

You will be forgotten one day
You will be forgotten some day soon
In the billions of years past
And the billions of years to come
Right now, is less than the blink of an eye.

Thinking of how great time really is..
Makes you think of how insignificant you really are.
Makes you see that you really are just a grain of sand nexto the ocean.

Take a second and imagine one grain of sand
Which one are you imagining?
Where is it?
Where do you begin and how do you choose?

Thinking of these things...
It is better to just not
To just not think about any of this
Because it makes you very very depressed.
It makes you feel like there is no point in life.

It makes you want to die
As soon as possible.
But to kill yourself does not get you into Heavan.
It does not make those around you that you care for, happy.
Killing yourself is the easy way out.

Life is a difficult thing
And you only have one life
One time, one Time Period.

You will be alive most probably not later than 2120
In a thousand years who knows what will be
Will earth even still be
Will people still be alive?

No one knows these things and it is much better to not think of any of these things.
It is better to just live in the moment
Care for yourself and enjoy the time you have
To the best extent that you can.

Selling your Time for Money..
That is a sad, sad, sad thing to do.
Especially if you hate what you are doing for that money.
Especially if that money is not enough.

If you spend your life hating what you do
Hating every second of your existence?
Why are you alive
Why are you here?

Thinking of these things do not help
Thinking of life... does not help
It is better not to cause ripples in the pond.
I suppose I am throwing a pebble into your pond of life right now.

It is easier to believe in a God than to not believe
It is easier to just accept
Than to think of what life really is.

I mentioned Time & Space earlier
But I have only mentioned Time?
What about Space?
What about it?

In all of space, all of time, anything can, and will happen.
Even you, even me.
You reading this post is happening at some point
Somewhere, in the world.

Right now, it is 9:45 AM on the 11 July 2014
I am in South Africa

What is the time by you?
Where are you?
How long into the future, are you reading this?
Where on Earth are you?

Earth is HUGE..
Earth is tiny.

When you think of how big the universe is
When you think of how large the Galaxy is.
When you think of all of Time and Space
How insignificant are you really?

You are lucky to be alive right now, in this point where you are now.
But this point is gone forever
That point is now only a memory
And that memory only belongs to you.
Every other person has their own memory.
Every other person has their own, entire life.
Completely different to yours.
Completely different to mine.

But at some point, someone will have basically exactly the same life as you.
That, is inevitable.
Due to random chance, series of events and just dumb luck.
Your life is the way that it is, where it is and when it is.

Thinking of these things.. It is horrible
Thinking of the meaning of life, instead of living life
It is depressing.
Just believing that you live now, for the afterlife, for God.
That really sounds like a much better alternative than thinking about this.

God gives you direction, hope, guidance.
It gives you some form of meaning to life.
What is the meaning to life?
To please God and get into Heaven.
That seems so simple.
It is a way to live life
A basic blueprint

Some people look forward to death
Because then life will just be over
The struggle, will be no more.

Some people look forward to life, after death.
Because then they will be eternally happy.
They will no longer struggle here on earth.

Death is Heaven
Is that not logical?
Why we are alive..
No one really knows
No one has a answer for that

How did life begin?
God made us, did he not?
I believe we are a product of random chance
Time and Space
We are in the perfect spot
In the perfect time

You cannot be before
Or be after your time

Your time is now
And what you make of it
That, is up to you.

But all in all, we are just living to die.
Having things that are important to you
Gives you reasons to be, to be alive.

Having a loved one
Having loved ones, multiple people.
Having dependants, children.
Having obligations, work
Having connections, a life

Those are things that make life worth living.
But all of those things will also come to an end.
One after the other
Until you to, come to an end..

That is the sadness of living life thinking of the big picture
That is the futility of what life is.
That is why it is easier to just accept God.
That is why it is better to believe in heaven.

As illogical as it is
Faith gives you reason to live.
It gives you reason to have Hope.

Love.. it is the only thing that makes life worth living.
What you love is up to you
Why you love is not something to be questioned.

Typing this out, has made me feel very depressed
This is not something to think of
This is not what is important.
All that is important is living your life
Making the most of it
And enjoying the life that you have
As it will be all that there is.

I fucking hate Money.

If I could have a choice
I would be a animal.
But having a choice is a luxury.

You are what you are
You are when you are
You are you
And you can do what you want.

Set yourself free and do what makes you happy
Or else you are living, just to be alive.
Happiness comes by living for yourself
Doing what you want to do.
Being who you want to be.

Limitations are just that.

The only true limits that you have
Are Time
And Space

The only limit you have
Is Yourself.

Have a good day

Thursday, 10 July 2014

My Aspergers Depression

Aspergers Living With Depression

Aspie Depression.. to me it feels like a way of life, a sense of how I am.
It is a feeling I have felt for most of my life, probably why I am so pessimistic, neurotic and just overall a spoil sport..

"Hello, how are you?"
"Depressed thanx, and yourself?"

Well.. it is not as simple as that, generally I would not say:
"I am depressed"
The answer would be "good thanx"

No one really wants to hear about how bad it is going with you.
No one really cares how bad it is going
And by telling them.. you are just ruining their mood so you would probably not hear from them again, unless they are one of those that think that they can help, and try to fix you.

Which is nice, I suppose it is nice to get a little attention, but a little, is to much, so "good thanx"
is just a much better alternative.

So the question is why am I depressed?
Well.. I suppose I am not busy enough, or doing something which I find enjoyable enough to not be depressed.
Don't get me wrong, sometimes I will not be depressed at all, because I would be doing, something,
something worth doing, or something which keeps me happy and occupies my mind.

Being with one friend, would be nice, especially if they show interest in listening to me speak about whatever it is that I am speaking about.
Like right now, while typing this, I am enjoying typing this, because you, are reading this, sometime in the future.

Doing anything which occupies my mind, would keep me from not being depressed, but as soon as I get a moment to think, or be alone and think, or do nothing, and think, I would probably over think anything and it would make me depressed.

Thinking is what makes me depressed, being pessimistic, being neurotic..
That is what makes me depressed I suppose.
Having a very fast brain... has got pro's and con's.
It allows me to see the flaws in everything,
and not look at the good parts in it.

It would give me reasons not to do things instead of giving me reasons to actually do things.
Doing things is what makes you happy.
Doing things are what fights depression.
Not doing things also leaves you with regrets
But finding reasons not to do things are nice.

I asked ex if she knows what depression feels like
She had no idea, she said that is the great thing about being optimistic I suppose..
Now that's the thing, optimism fights depression, it is to be positive
Now, I have been depressed for many years, mainly due to not understanding myself
Learning that I am a Aspie did give me some optimism, that is why I can type this Blog now.

But what has always made me optimistic
Is the fact that I know I have her waiting for me, or that I would speak to her later in the day.
It is not that she is waiting for me, it is that I am waiting for her.
I have been waiting for her for almost 7 years
That is a long wait.. But it is a wait worth waiting when you are sure you have found the person that you would like to spend the rest of your life with.

But yes, the waiting also has pro's and con's
It makes me happy and depressed
It makes me happy in the moments when I am with her and speak to her over messaging
It makes me depressed when I know I won't be seeing her for a very long time.
But all in all, I think, by nature, I am just made to be depressed in the first place.

And she is like a antidote to depression.
That is what love can do for you, a reason to live.

Now living for yourself, that is the answer.
Living for yourself, loving yourself and accepting yourself
That is the way to battle depression.
But unfortunately I could not do any of those up until I realised why, I was different.

You can only accept yourself, if you know that you are acceptable.
And if you compare yourself to other people, you need to be similar to them.
I could never understand other people, and could never find acceptance.
So that is a big part to previous depression, and just missing her.

But then also we seem to get depressed when we are under stress or pressure
Or maybe just bored.. boredom leads to thinking, which leads to depression.

Then there are brain chemicals, which also play a big role in depression.
Serotonin and Dopamine... The aspie's best friend
Serotonin levels may lead to influences in mood
Whereas dopamine are associated with feelings of happiness and pleasure

Then there is another brain chemical you may be familiar with
Norepinephrine is something I found very interesting
It is in charge of a few very interesting things namely:
Cognition, vigilance, doubt, hesitation, obsession, fear and a few others

Norepinephrine, Serotonin and Dopamine are closely related in the causes of depression
People with aspergers interpret the world differently to people with stable brain chemistry.
And all people being different and having different chemical makeup
Would react to the world in a very different way than others.

And due to all patients on the spectrum being different
Having different chemical makeups
You really do get a variety of different people
With different Skills & Quirks

How happy you are, would depend on what you do with your time
Your life

You either live to make yourself happy
Or you live to make others happy
Sometimes making others happy is what makes you happy

Like in my case
I live to make others happy
Sadly that makes me happier than anything
The other thing that makes me happy is talking
And have other people listen to me.
But my Theory of Mind is not very well developed
So it is not that easy to share my interests with others
As they are not interested in what interests me.

Also I forget to take into account the fact that they do not share my brain
They do not know what I know so sometimes
I just speak about random crap like a crazy person
Picking up in the middle of a conversation and then losing them before I can possibly get to the point.

The key to fighting depression is to do what makes you happy
To do something, anything.
Anything except sit and think about how shit things are, which you can do nothing about.

Also get a routine
A good routine
A positive routine
If you can live every day like your previous day
Make sure the previous day was worth living :)

Living With Aspergers Syndrome

Living With Asperger Syndrome

Life has never been easy.. I suppose that life is not easy for anyone, but it feels especially difficult for me.

I am now 23 years old, I recently diagnosed myself after a 7 year relationship ended with the lady of my life, my light in the darkness and really, my reason to be alive.

Making someone your reason for being.. is truly not a good idea.
I have never loved myself, as I could never understand myself.

I never knew what was wrong with me and never knew why I was so different to everybody else, 
Of course, everyone is different to everybody else. 

Everybody is unique.. 
But I, have always been a special kind of unique.
A special kind of different.

I have never understood people, or things, or why life is, the way life is.
I have been told: "Stop looking at the big picture and focus on the small picture"

It is easy to say, but not as easy to do.
I would much rather sit in one spot thinking about things than to actually do anything.

I would analyse any situation and instantly see all the possible faults in it, and just end up not doing anything about it, the idea is much greater than the end result.

Then there is also the fear of failure.
All my life, my way, has been the wrong way.
It was wrong, because I would not perceive a situation the same way, as another person.

I would not perceive anything like another, so that would stop me from doing, instead of for me to do.
It has been ingrained into myself that I would always do the wrong thing, even if it came natural to me, it would probably not be the right thing to do.

Growing up, friendships has always been a mystery to me.
I had friends, but friends would come and go, and few friends has really stuck around for my entire lifetime.

The girlfriend, the ex, has been around, and closer to me than anyone else ever has. 
I let her in deeper into myself than anyone has ever been, and I put all my energy into her, and keeping her happy. 
Her happiness has always been the most important thing to me, and spending time with her was the most special thing, the best way of spending my time I could think of.

We are almost 5 years apart in age, 4 years 11 months and 2 weeks to be exact. 
So growing up, she has been my lover and my best friend.

I stuck around for as long as possible, hung around my small town, put my life on hold in order to always have as much time as possible available for her.
We would always spend weekends together, spend all time together that we had free.

Her free time would come from when there was not school, weekend and holidays, and I would make free time to spend with her.
We has a beautiful routine. 
A routine of Life.

But as these things go.. People grow up, people move on, and people move.

The move came when she went to university, and I was still stuck in our home town, 
-waiting for her to return.

I never knew she was a Aspie, I never knew I was a Aspie.
We were two Aspie's in love.
The blind leading the blind.

Neither of us asking the right question, and neither of us saying what needs to be said.
We were just so content on being together and enjoying each others love.
Enjoying each other and enjoying Time.
Time together.

She was a good listener, I enjoyed speaking about what interested me.
I am still a child, keeping myself at her age, and she is more mature, keeping herself at my age.

Funny story... We kinda swapped ages.

I have much more problems than she does. 
We are both "normal"
Yet, we are both very special people who present the world with a side of ourselves which we think the world would like to see.
We both presented each other, with the side of ourselves which we thought each other would like to see.
Our true selves would shine through with each other.
We would see the inner us, and we had the most beautiful love for one another.

They say absence makes the heart grow fonder..
In this case, absence made her open her eyes for what the world really is.
She moved to the city to attend University
I stayed in the small town waiting for her to one day return so we could start our lives together.

But planning... Planning is one of the things I am very bad at.

I did not look ahead to the future to take the steps which needed to be done to secure our future.
I have been the same, for a very very long time.
I have not grown, my love.. is the only thing that grew within me.

I have OCD and ADD
I cannot focus on anything, and I have been thinking of her compulsively for so long.
I have been depressed for a very long time, but she gave me Hope.

Hope is something I do not have much of, not much for myself.
But I could have hope for her.
Belief in her.
I believed that she would be great and I always knew she would be.
And I believed that our love would be able to stand the test of time.

But really.. I am oblivious to anything, until it is pointed out to me.
I can, and have never been able, to see what is right in front of me.
I cannot understand anything, until it is spelled out for me.

I started smoking Cannabis about 7 years ago. 
It was the first time in my life I started feeling normal
It was the first time that I could be with normal people and have a group of friends.
It took away the OCD and the ADD, without me even knowing that I had it at the time.

I self medicated unknowingly and it gave me a fantastic life.
But.. as habits and routine goes..
Marijuana became a habit and part of my routine.
My life slowly started to degrade without me really noticing it at all.

My head started being filled up with delusions and false beliefs.
Prolonged paranoia with a little bit of crazy.
And not really being able to weed out the truth from the false.

I could look at things objectively, but also would only look at things which would support my point of view.
I could not tell what was really right, from what was really wrong.
I cannot learn from my mistakes, as I just continue making the same ones day after day.

I have realised that I hardly have any short term memory.
At the time, I thought it was the weed, but it is much more than that.
The cannabis made me just not really care about anything.
The marijuana just made me enjoy the moment, and enjoy life.

But what gave me strength, hope, and power to face another day.
Was keeping the idea of the girlfriend strong in my mind, always.
I carried her in my mind as a normal person would carry God.

God is something that I have given a lot of thought, and I do not believe in it.
Time and Space, it makes much more sense to me.
But it is a hopeless belief.
But besides Time and Space..
I believed in LOVE.

I never cared for myself, because I could not understand myself.
I could care for myself  because she could love me.
So I could see I was worth loving.
So had some sense of self love.

But it was all only built on her loving me.
Once I realised I also have Asperger Syndrome
I could understand myself
I could start loving myself
Because I could finally accept myself
- For being different, yet normal.

I understand why they say a child needs to be diagnosed at the age of 3.
So that child can grow up, understanding what makes him different.
Understand why he is different
Grow up loving himself.

It is a very shitty thing
Age 23
To only now realise that I have perceived everything up till now

I have really fucked up my life.
I have isolated myself from people

As I could not understand myself
And stopped trying to understand myself for the last 7 years
And I could just BE.

There is nothing better than just being.
Well, not that I know what is wrong with me.
I have the answer, yet, I am alone and unhappy.

I am lonely once again.
I have my answer, but I do not have love.
I hate myself for letting my life slide to the point that it has.
Being oblivious to everything around me.

Weed was a treatment, with many side effects.
I have started seeing a Psychologist, and now I am on medication.
I am taking SSRI's and AntiPsychotics
It does exactly the same as the weed did before

Except I can now see clearly, everything, life.
I feel much more normal
I have better perception.
I can see how I have always been wrong.

But I can also see that I am a 23 year old child
Living with his parents
Never having had a proper job
In love with his ex girlfriend
Hardly any friends
And not going anywhere fast.

It has been 5 weeks
5 Weeks of depression and a quest to find out what is wrong with me
5 Weeks off weed, cannabis, marijuana.
5 Weeks off smoking
5 Weeks with no interest in anything

I am starting this blog, to occupy my mind a little, to keep me out of bed, to do something productive.
I need to fix my life.

I would love to end my life, but I cannot do that.

In due time, I need to get her back, but I need to fix myself first and get to the point where I am worthy of being taken back.
She is young and have never been on her own and free.

Freedom comes at a price
Love comes at a price
Truth comes at a price

There is two ways of looking at this breakup
Two ways of dealing with it.
To act like a child
Or grow the fuck up.

I am growing the fuck up.
And I will blog in the meantime.

I have always felt everyone knows what I am thinking
I have always felt that no one wants to listen, no one has time.
So I have always kept silent and said nothing.
It is time to speak the fuck up.
As no one can read this unless I type it out
No one can learn unless I spell it out for them.

I wish I was diagnosed with Asperger's as a child.
But it was not diagnosable when I was a child.
I fell through the cracks and my life cracked and shattered.

I fucked up all the chances that I ever had.
Trying to be normal, but being normal, is being yourself.
I have never been myself.
As myself, I am not "normal" in the normal sense of normal.

But finally I can understand why I am the way I am, and move forward with it.
Asperger's is a life.
Asperger's is a life saver.
Asperger's is understanding.

I have a saying: "You cannot know of knowledge, you do not know exists"
I think that is especially true with Aspergers.
As we can live within ourselves, knowing stuff, yet have no idea how to verbalise things.

No idea of how to say: "This is what my problem is"
People take common sense for granted.
Sadly to me "common sense" is a very uncommon thing.
And people don't like stating the obvious.

But then how can we learn?