Thursday, 10 July 2014

My Aspergers Depression

Aspergers Living With Depression

Aspie Depression.. to me it feels like a way of life, a sense of how I am.
It is a feeling I have felt for most of my life, probably why I am so pessimistic, neurotic and just overall a spoil sport..

"Hello, how are you?"
"Depressed thanx, and yourself?"

Well.. it is not as simple as that, generally I would not say:
"I am depressed"
The answer would be "good thanx"

No one really wants to hear about how bad it is going with you.
No one really cares how bad it is going
And by telling them.. you are just ruining their mood so you would probably not hear from them again, unless they are one of those that think that they can help, and try to fix you.

Which is nice, I suppose it is nice to get a little attention, but a little, is to much, so "good thanx"
is just a much better alternative.

So the question is why am I depressed?
Well.. I suppose I am not busy enough, or doing something which I find enjoyable enough to not be depressed.
Don't get me wrong, sometimes I will not be depressed at all, because I would be doing, something,
something worth doing, or something which keeps me happy and occupies my mind.

Being with one friend, would be nice, especially if they show interest in listening to me speak about whatever it is that I am speaking about.
Like right now, while typing this, I am enjoying typing this, because you, are reading this, sometime in the future.

Doing anything which occupies my mind, would keep me from not being depressed, but as soon as I get a moment to think, or be alone and think, or do nothing, and think, I would probably over think anything and it would make me depressed.

Thinking is what makes me depressed, being pessimistic, being neurotic..
That is what makes me depressed I suppose.
Having a very fast brain... has got pro's and con's.
It allows me to see the flaws in everything,
and not look at the good parts in it.

It would give me reasons not to do things instead of giving me reasons to actually do things.
Doing things is what makes you happy.
Doing things are what fights depression.
Not doing things also leaves you with regrets
But finding reasons not to do things are nice.

I asked ex if she knows what depression feels like
She had no idea, she said that is the great thing about being optimistic I suppose..
Now that's the thing, optimism fights depression, it is to be positive
Now, I have been depressed for many years, mainly due to not understanding myself
Learning that I am a Aspie did give me some optimism, that is why I can type this Blog now.

But what has always made me optimistic
Is the fact that I know I have her waiting for me, or that I would speak to her later in the day.
It is not that she is waiting for me, it is that I am waiting for her.
I have been waiting for her for almost 7 years
That is a long wait.. But it is a wait worth waiting when you are sure you have found the person that you would like to spend the rest of your life with.

But yes, the waiting also has pro's and con's
It makes me happy and depressed
It makes me happy in the moments when I am with her and speak to her over messaging
It makes me depressed when I know I won't be seeing her for a very long time.
But all in all, I think, by nature, I am just made to be depressed in the first place.

And she is like a antidote to depression.
That is what love can do for you, a reason to live.

Now living for yourself, that is the answer.
Living for yourself, loving yourself and accepting yourself
That is the way to battle depression.
But unfortunately I could not do any of those up until I realised why, I was different.

You can only accept yourself, if you know that you are acceptable.
And if you compare yourself to other people, you need to be similar to them.
I could never understand other people, and could never find acceptance.
So that is a big part to previous depression, and just missing her.

But then also we seem to get depressed when we are under stress or pressure
Or maybe just bored.. boredom leads to thinking, which leads to depression.

Then there are brain chemicals, which also play a big role in depression.
Serotonin and Dopamine... The aspie's best friend
Serotonin levels may lead to influences in mood
Whereas dopamine are associated with feelings of happiness and pleasure

Then there is another brain chemical you may be familiar with
Norepinephrine is something I found very interesting
It is in charge of a few very interesting things namely:
Cognition, vigilance, doubt, hesitation, obsession, fear and a few others

Norepinephrine, Serotonin and Dopamine are closely related in the causes of depression
People with aspergers interpret the world differently to people with stable brain chemistry.
And all people being different and having different chemical makeup
Would react to the world in a very different way than others.

And due to all patients on the spectrum being different
Having different chemical makeups
You really do get a variety of different people
With different Skills & Quirks

How happy you are, would depend on what you do with your time
Your life

You either live to make yourself happy
Or you live to make others happy
Sometimes making others happy is what makes you happy

Like in my case
I live to make others happy
Sadly that makes me happier than anything
The other thing that makes me happy is talking
And have other people listen to me.
But my Theory of Mind is not very well developed
So it is not that easy to share my interests with others
As they are not interested in what interests me.

Also I forget to take into account the fact that they do not share my brain
They do not know what I know so sometimes
I just speak about random crap like a crazy person
Picking up in the middle of a conversation and then losing them before I can possibly get to the point.

The key to fighting depression is to do what makes you happy
To do something, anything.
Anything except sit and think about how shit things are, which you can do nothing about.

Also get a routine
A good routine
A positive routine
If you can live every day like your previous day
Make sure the previous day was worth living :)

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