All morning I felt great
And all of a sudden, my mood just fell straight into the ground..
I have no idea why, I have truly been feeling great for the past 3 days
I have been typing a little bit this morning
It was nice for the first 2 hours
Then I went downstairs
Made myself a sandwich
And then I just started feeling shit again
I really feel no desire to even be typing this blog now.
I am doing it hoping that it would keep my mind busy and that it will pull me out of this shit feeling I have hanging over me now.
How does depression just come and go
How does it just decide:
"Hey! You there!"
While I was making the sandwich
I was thinking of how I could actually better spend my day
How I could do something
Besides sit here infront of the computer
Typing lil bits of shit out to pass the time
I was thinking of getting a job
Which would fix most of my problems to an extent.
I was thinking how I actually am so alone..
Although I have some friends..
They all have lives
They all are busy with something
They all have something to do
Somewhere to be...
And then, there is me..
I do not have anything to do
I do not need to be anywhere
I am like a bird
Yet, I cannot just fly away...
Nothing really interests me
Nothing makes me happy
I am happy sometimes
But I don't know..
It feels like happiness..
Is so far away..
I had my girlfriend
Who was my entire life
She was my closest friend
And really the only person I needed in my life
I really just feel so alone.
I was always hoping to have an accidental death
Before I lose her one day
But that day came
And here still I am.
There is so many things
So many problems
The problems are just as big as I make them
But I have dug myself a hole over the last few years
And now I really want to get out of this hole
But this hole...
It is just so fucking deep.
I live in a small town
I live outside a small town to be truthfull
I live 25km outside of the small town
And even if I were to go to the small town
There will be nothing to do
No one to see
There's two friends there which I could go see
But that would just be a waste of time
As both of them
Are actually fairly boring
When I am in this depressed mood I am in now
I don't think I am nice to be around anyway
I use to always feel better
When I had my optimism for the girlfriend
When I would have a nice chat with her over the phone
Not even that is waiting for me at the end of the day..
I smoked a little weed on Saterday
I felt so good
I felt great
I was very curious to see how long the THC/CBD would stick in my system
Turns out the answer is 2/3days
Now I am feeling like I have felt for the past 6 weeks
How I have been feeling for the past month
But not fine at all
I really have no desire for anything
I have no desire to watch tv
I have no desire to get up
I have no desire to be awake..
It truely is a horrible feeling
Something I never knew
Until I knew it for weeks at a time.
I honestly do not know what to do
I would like a job
I would like a job for the routine that it would give
But I do not want a shit job
As a shit job would just make me feel the way I am feeling now
I was working on the last 2 weekends
They were horrible
I was back at the restaurant
I was doing my waiter thing
But it was truly the worst time
In the last month
So any memories
Over the past 5 years were made in that place
That place made me feel like I wanted to die
Really it did
I took extra meds even
But it did not help
It could not stop me from feeling what I felt
It could not make me stop
I do not want to return again..
I probably will..
Hoping that this feeling would stop coming back
Is fucked up
I miss the feeling of being happy
I miss happiness
What I will do
I do not know
I just don't want to feel like this anymore
This fucking depression
Many people live like this
I need to move out of my parents house
I need to move out of this tiny little town
I just need to get out of the house...
But it is not that simple
For some reason
I am scared
I have this unexplained fear inside me
A fear of moving out
A fear of growing up
A fear.. Of the unknown...
I do not know why I feel like this
I do not know how my life got to this point that it has
I do not know...
I just... do not know..
I miss being a child
Going to school
Having a place I need to be
Having so much shit to put up with..
Life was easier back then
Atleast I think it was
It was not really
But it was better than it is now..
I really do not know...